The Flood

I don't understand where the words are coming from, I don't really know what I am trying to say or even do.  I was silent for a long time, speechless is a better word.  It's not that I had nothing to say, I simply didn't know what to say or why I should even speak.  One song got into my mind a few months ago and it wouldn't leave.  Like finding a $20 in the pocket of a jacket when you first put it on in autumn, lyrics came to my mind and this is how it started.

Things seem to moving at a different pace for me right now.  Living a life in a rural community far from the city, after years of living in a city, is odd.  Most days seem to drag and time becomes so very elastic.  I can get a lot of work done in a very short period of time and suddenly time changes pace.  Suddenly I feel like I have been left behind, that time and age have conspired against me and the race is nearing the finish line while I am still stretching.  Panic sets in and the word failure begins to buzz in my head.

It can be very unsettling to experience this but I feel I am learning how to moderate these emotions.  When time is moving slowly I have begun to include more creative pursuits to the day.  I journal much more regular and find I dig into motives rather than actions.  I'm even sketching again and my guitar strings aren't rusting.

These may be fruitless pastimes, they may be distractions from reality, they may even be a masochistic weight that keeps me from reality.  Something about doing these things seems to be pushing me forward right now and I cannot explain it.  Life seems to be more urgent, but not at all in the ways I had envisioned before.

I still believe that I want everything but I also believe that my idea of what I actually need is evolving.  I struggle with wanting to be someplace that no longer wants me.  Rejection and failure are massive burdens to carry but the seeds that they grew from were once promising new horizons.  They were seeds I worked so hard to germinate and tend.  The plant has died and the field gone to fallow.

Renewal is the next step in the cycle. 

Now I find myself trying to navigate the future like a man crossing a muddy river.  I have a stick in my hand and I poke along the bed of the river as I slowly cross.  Trying to find the sinkholes and hidden tree trunks that litter the bottom.  All the while I am watching the surface, keeping a keen eye open for anything that may swim toward me.

These things I spend my time with are leading me to another shore.  I doubt these are the actual things that will take me to the other side and carry me once I get there, but I have faith that they will help illuminate my way.  There are no maps for life, no guide to walk you through in one piece.  It is entirely up to you.